Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
