you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
