Cold hands, warm shart.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
