woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
