508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
