That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
