GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
