you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
