Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm too high and old for this...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
