I'm eating all of the evidence.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
