my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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