i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
