I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
