ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
