im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
