nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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