we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
