You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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