There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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