If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
