Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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