took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
