I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
