I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
