Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
