sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just gift wrapped bread.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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