We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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