Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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