Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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