Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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