for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
