she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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