I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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