Where is the hickey?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
