after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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