You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
