Swine flu. Run for my life!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
