i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
