I think I am morally bankrupt
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
