Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Go christen that room with your naked body.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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