Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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