i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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