I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
