I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
smell my finger.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
