I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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