Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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