I met the friendliest cop last night
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
