My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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