Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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