I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
